Goodbye endless summer

Some of us managed to peg down some pretty interesting summer jobs
This was to ensure, of course, that we stayed out of the sun as much as possible

Enjoying yourself outdoors is so passé


Some people work in restaurants or hip coffee shops. This is tiring.
But I'm not complaining when they come home covered in italian coffee grounds and pie filling.
Others are confined to office jobs (scroll down for a great peep hole into that world)

Me? I got to solicit!
it seemed to coincide well with the new dance craze all the kids are raving about:
The RECESSION.
I gathered quickly that In the summer of 2008,
People don’t like to take up ads in playbills for children’s theatre
Because it just reminds them of their own starving children.
I had to act like I was completely unaware of the rotting economy.
Act I, Scene II: Smile. Nod. Impale self on a cardboard pitchfork. (dull AND flimsy!)


whoring aside, this summer was a whirlwind!
We mourned Heath Ledger feverishly,never once making light of his death
Heath: I hope people in heaven aren’t so serioussss, and the dealers have good shit


There were internet feuds ( coco agnes vs. my brohammer vs. his sexy counterpart) yeesh!
Ego trips ( Berkshire fag-a-tron 3000)
The “fixedgear hipsters” at the Copperworks (quote Berkshire eagle, breaking news source)
Road trips! (Vermont isn’t as lame as the commercials)
and some of us have awkwardly met Allen Alda (adorbs!)


But now - - My Dead Gay Son is excited to add to the list of summer 2k8 thrills:
A MOVE to a REAL website! www.mydeadgayson.com
Let’s have an internet party in honor of art school and digital moves.
You bring the jack, I’ll bring the meth.

Andrew Flint Rules

He is amazing and his hair smells like laughter.

My Dead Gay Son Interviews Today's Youth

"it was a tuesday morning - i remember that clearly - and i had just stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel. and as i was lifting my right arm to dry off my torso, i happened to catch sight of myself in the mirror, my arm raised in an inadvertent hitler salute.

which i think is something that would surprise most people, seeing themselves naked and standing in the posture of some of history's most hated villians. and i was certainly taken aback - but mainly because what was going through my mind at that moment was not: 'oh whoops didn't mean it, i am a huge fan of the jewish people' but instead: 'i look AMAZING' and also: 'a snazzy military uniform could only add to this impeccable presentation.'


so, yeah, that's the story of how i became a neo-nazi."

My Dead Gay Son !!! MOBILE ALERTS !!!

i for one am totally psyched that i can now find out my dad isn't my real dad from the convenience of my own home.

Ever wake up in the morning and say to yourself

*sigh* isn't my blog just the MOST!!?!

The Internet Will Bury You Alive

oh shit, guys, remember when the blog died?





that was THE SADDEST.*

(* slight exaggeration. an actual depiction of THE SADNESS is graphed below:



as you can see our absence is significantly sadder than orphans (not to mention the existence of the demon pratts) but cannot even touch the off-the-scale tragedy of this picture of britney spears in a little car:



[regards, gawker.] )

whatevs.
THE BLOG MUST GO ON.

so.

one of the saddest things about this little blog-cation (ed. note: does this work?) of ours is that it was indicative of a much, much more serious condition:

I BECAME ESTRANGED FROM THE INTERNET.



pretend that shirtless guy is me, and dead, and gay. now pretend that the translucent girl who looks a little like emma from degrassi (anybody?) is ACTUALLY the internet. and those rocks i am standing on are loneliness. and the storm clouds stay exactly the same. NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL.

and actually, scratch the incredibly scientific graph up above (fyi, guys: first thing i've ever made with ms paint. i know - amazing, right? i'm like some sort of adult prodigy over here. i'm like the bobby fisher of useless computer programs, but twenty years too late to be at all impressive!). falling out of love with the internet is WAY sadder than b.spears in a miniature automobile. life without the internet is sadder than A FLEET OF MULTIPLE BRITNEY SPEARS IN MULTIPLE TINY CARS. this is because without the internet, i would never know britney was driving around in that tiny car in the first place.



it's the catch-22 of internet sadness, eh, joseph heller?

but to continue, there are so many great things about the internet. i can't believe i ever let it go. for example, last night c. and i were watching 'lockup: RAW' (obvs) and had the following conversation as the camera zoomed in on a convict's tattooed forehead:

k: is that a puzzle piece with WINGS?!?
c: no.. that is clearly a swastika.
k: oh.
k: a puzzle piece with wings sure would have been funny, though.
c: funnier than a swastika with wings?
k: good point.

and today, thanks to THE INTERNET, i can . . .

well ok, actually this isn't the best example, because i just spent about twenty-minutes trying to find a picture of a unicorn & swastika tattoo which APPARENTLY does not exist. so i moved on to 'humorous swastikas", which again, not much there, and then realized how awkward it's going to be when my boss looks at my internet history and figured i should cool off some.

but not before finding THIS!:



i mean, pretty sweet, right? does the internet EVER fail?!

(answer: no. mostly.)

oh, and just in case anyone else out there is suffering a case of heartbreak with the internet, let me introduce you to a little site that changed my life: theme park insider.

here's a brief look into what they do here:

"In the United States, no official source is keeping a complete national record of theme park accidents. And in many U.S. states, including Florida, theme parks are not legally required to report accidents involving injury to anyone.

That's why Theme Park Insider users are stepping up, to provide amusement park safety data that the public needs, and ought to be entitled to get."

yeah, that's right. just a bunch of modern-day heroes joining up around the world to bring important amusement park info to the people. no biggie.



and lest you mistakenly think these muckrakers are mere monkeys who for some reason enjoy re-typing news articles about bacteria in the tide pool at six flags, let it be known:

"In 2001, the Columbia Graduate School of Journalism and the Online News Association honored Accident Watch with the Online Journalism Award for Service Journalism."

that's right. ivy-approved.
WAY TO GO INTERNET!

but the part that really caught my eye (and heart!) - was a touching comment left on the following story:

"Superman Ride of Steel at Six Flags New England
May 1, 2004
A 55 year old man fell out of S:ROS at about 3 p.m. today as the ride was approaching the end of its run, according to a statement from the park. The man, whose identity wasnot immediately released, was transported to Baystate Medical Center in Springfield and pronounced dead at about 3:45. The ride is closed pending an investigation by the park and Agawam, Mass. police. The Mass. Department of Public Safety, which oversees rides in the state, was also notified. -- Reported on May 1, 2004."

tragic, no? luckily, the internet is here and waiting, so any empathetic soul around the globe can voice their thoughts & feelings, even months later, diffusing personal pain and horror into a burden nobly recognized by all.

says anonymous:

"I was in the park at the time but I was having my harness secured for a ride on Batman:The Dark Knight when a child ran in and told everyone there was an accident and a man fell out of S:ROS. The ride attendant said this would never happen and called down to the main office. She then lied to us saying nothing had ahppened. The worst part of this ordeal was S:ROS was closed foer the rest of the day and I had only ridden in 2X that day. -- Reported on March 31, 2005".

first of all, (sic.) all over the place.

secondly, IT SURE IS GOOD TO BE BACK IN THIS WINNER'S CIRCLE!



catch ya later, i got some lolcatz to check out.

If you give a blog a cookie...

My Dead Gay Son would like to shamelessly promote our dear brother/friend's new blog
http://413some.blogspot.com/



413some is a Western Mass. (specifically the Berkshire region) nightlife/fun time hilarious blog.

if you like fun, sun, buns and drunk people taking advantage of you, then you're in for a treat

Happy Twenty-Second Year, Lindsay!

May it be a fruitful one.

I Like Sports Now

dear diary,

so it's finally happened: i've fallen in love!!

UMMMM he's super cute and well, notactuallythatsmart, but he DOES have a really endearing problem with alcohol and he's great with kids and best of all, he's totally crazy about me.

here, check out his picture. it's a little formal, you know, it's his graduation photo, but isn't he handsome?





oh yeah, also he plays football and is in this t.v. show and also i am a sad, sad excuse for a human being who should stop falling in love with every boy on television.


TEXAS FOREVER

The Thirst For Affection: A Groundbreaking Novella By My Dead Gay Son

oh hey, blogger, long time no see, how's your weekend going?

oh, me? i'm okay, just super-stressed, things have been craaazy lately.

oh you know, it's just this corporate life style. it's 24/7 all the time! 31/365! eleven billion/93! you wouldn't understand, you're a computer.

you really want to know? fine, i'll tell you but don't freak out and overload your circuits or something. it's a lot to take in.



i own that pantsuit. and that regular suit. and that water cooler. (i am rich).


this is the story of the vending machine at my work. this vending machine was in fact, one of the big draws about working here. the soda only cost a dollar! i mean, how quaint! like a penny candy store, but times a hundred.

but recently there have been some terrible, terrible changes.

first off, there is a new option to purchase coke zero, which is funny because if you opt for a diet coke now, you're basically a fattie.

but the far more pressing matter is that soda prices have now gone up to $1.50!!

$1.50, people. that's a 50% increase! out of the clear blue sky!
THIS IS HIGHWAY ROBBERY.

naturally, this was a big upset. for about three days, it was the basis of almost every conversation.

example:
"did you see that the watermill group canceled on us?"

"yeah. now we're never going to be able to afford that soda."

but! on thursday, the clouds broke. manna fell from the skies and angels sung in the heavens! the office was abuzz with rumors that we were getting . . . A New Soda Machine.

beth's eyes flashed with excitement. "it's going to have a clear front, and we're getting a whole bunch of new drinks too! they're going to put in juice and red bull and . . ."

imagine. imagine my being able to walk to the break room and purchase a red bull right there. it's conceivable that i may never fall asleep at work again!

but the best news was yet to come . . .
"and we talked to lew, because it was only supposed to be the other machines at the resort that got raised to $1.50, the employee machines were supposed to stay the same."

oh, happy day!

all thursday morning, the office had a happy, expectant air. from the hall you could hear people joyfully calling their friends and family - "i know, can you believe it? i'm so excited!"*

[*note: this is just about entirely made up]



here is a possible example of what our AMAZING VENDING MACHINE FROM THE FUTURE could look like.


at lunchtime the maintenance workers removed the front door from its hinges so the capable all-knowing hands of the coca cola company (or the vending machine distributor? i'm not quite sure how this works.) could bring our new baby home.

it was about twenty minutes later when a sorrowful silence swept over the office. the machine "did not fit." it was "impossible" to get it around the corner of the front door.

i'm not too proud to admit that i, too, wept with the others.



hold me.


as a poor man's consolation, the coca cola men added 'powerade: mountain blast!" to the machine. but in doing this, they took away the possibility of dr. pepper. and so shabby was this back-up plan, that there is no awesome KICKASS picture of the powerade in question. no, it's simply a poorly-crafted handmade sign written in black marker, the 'BLAST' falling in a gentle diagonal, in what i can only assume they considered to be "innovative advertising". mountain blast? MORE LIKE SLAP IN THE FUCKING FACE, VENDING MACHINE MAN.

i tried to keep my chin up, to be a trooper. i was even rewarded, somewhat, as the first time i pushed the powerade button, i got not one, but two, shots of mountain blast!



google image search result for 'mountain blast'. i can't for the life of me understand why they don't have any larger photographs in stock.


but - and i don't think i'm alone in saying this - who wants two things of powerade? i didn't even want the one. and then today, like a fool, like a really cheap fool who loves getting stuff for free, i again pressed the powerade button, thinking, "hey, if it gave me two before, what's to stop it from doing it again?" [this is the same logic i apply to criminals and delinquents. THEY WILL STEAL AND RAPE AND PILLAGE AGAIN. VOTE YES ON THE DEATH PENALTY!].



another, arguably better google image search result for 'mountain blast'.


and what did that dear, sweet, bastard of a machine say to me in those fluroescent letters that run across the screen so slowly, you'd think a dog would be able to learn to read in the amount of time it takes for a full phrase to appear?


SOLD OUT.



bastards.



oh also if you were wondering if the soda machine takes sacagewas, the answer is no so don't even bother wasting your time.

when will we ever blog again?

how does the blogger robot know which one of us is posting? i dont get it.

this was goddamn difficult and i need a drink

okay, so it's been a while. that's alright. this is what happens when you forget to feed and water your blog and leave it in the sun for a couple days because you're too busy living it up spring-break style!!!*

SPRING BREAK '08!! SHOW US YOUR TITS!!!


[* and by this i mean watching tivo'd episodes of house]

but here's the happenings:



after a lot of consideration, i've decided to invest in a staples easy button and keep it on my person at all times. [link provided in case readers are retarded, don't watch television.] sure, it'll set me back a whopping $4.98 [not including shipping & handling] but if you weigh the dollahs against potential uses, i'm sure you'll agree it's a steal.

use 1:
bring easy button to work. whenever i press the print button, simultaneously press the easy button. then shout, "IT SURE WAS!" to everyone in the room.

this i feel will express an appreciation of modern-day technology while boosting morale throughout the office. much like this poster of a kitten. [see below]




use 2:

everybody loves the movies!



and what better way to share your emotional response to the scene playing than to have a pre-recorded man say "that was easy!" after the main character has been raped? lots of laughs, hatred.


use 3:

it is ten years into the future. vases have been thrown, clothes have been hastily thrown into suitcases, and my husband and i tearfully agree that it is time to get a divorce. there is a pause when we gaze into each other's eyes, perhaps the most honest moment of our marriage so far, and try to express without words out emotional anguish and sense of loss, while acknowledging our irreconcilable differences.



then: "THAT WAS EASY!"


BAM! levity. you're welcome.



but srsly, think of the children.



they will need a staples product during this difficult period in their lives.


now, what's this? you remain unconvinced?
perhaps you should check out some of these reviews from Satisfied Customers.





"thebuttonator'" brings up several good points - not only does the easy button keep good time, it is also indescribably awesome and you [i] need to own one.






check this shit out, the easy button makes math fun. even for girls! even for french guys named claude!






OMGz sk8er dude iz sO fuNnY!!! LOLz!!!






you heard the lady, BUY IN BULK.




and just to give you an example of how only idiot jerkwads don't like the easy button, here's Jim.





not only is jim a "high-end shopper" he is apparently the best in the west. well this isn't saying much for the west, am i right???

but seriously, don't follow in jim's footsteps and have a horrible experience. and by that i mean don't live in california where apparently no one has a SENSE OF HUMOR and only wants to buy speaking toys if they say more than one phrase, i mean this is EXACTLY WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY TODAY, everyone wanting something for nothing, and being so demanding while they drive around in their gas-guzzling SUVs, just CONSUMING CONSUMING CONSUMING, spending money recklessly on things like tivo, and season three of house, and not giving anything to the little guy, who is only trying to help people get through the stress of their nine-to-five job!! what are you, jim, some kind of ASSHOLE? some kind of asshole who doesn't understand how someone's life could be cheered just by the press of the button? IS THAT IT?


whatever, tired_teacher knows what i'm talking about.

Spring Break: San Francisco...too cold for wet tee shirts, warm enough to almost not have to wear a jacket

oh but many a- san francisco treat did i find!

sf is where recent graduates of hyper-liberal east coast universities come to die...

only to be reborn as mid-to-late 20's too-laid back-to-be-labeled-hipsters (hipsters!) musicians and artists!

quake of 1906, it was a good quake


the obsessively svelt new york frame is no where to be found

and happy burrito bellies are king
(here is a picture showing a popular san francisco burrito)

at a flea market, perusing the semi-charming goods (third eye blind reference, theyre based here, yall!!)
happened upon a case with wonderous trinkets and baubles
when the case snapped closed and the rusty WWII knife (WHO'S IDEA WHAT THIS?!)holding it open
shot out and sliced open my finger (tetanus)
spawning the soon-to-be urban dictionary phrase
"stealin' the knife that cut ya"



it soon became apparent that age and time do not exist in california


more delights for the senses:
the aptly named "john bum jovi" (his label, not mine)
hipster knoll (a crowded hillside littered with upwards of 300 goofballs, most on fixed gears, which is stupid in a city with 90-degree hills)
the dave eggers-less, dave eggers run pirate store
but why oh why didnt i get to see/feel dave eggers?!
burritos, burritos, burritos
everyone's general stoned apathy (more vaguely content and well humored)
absinthe drink - the "mood swing" (had a few of those)
possible bum piss on everything
travelling to mexico, china and japan in only a few square miles (and boy were my arms tired!)

but the kicker was leaving my I.D. AND cell phone at my brother's apt
yet STILL allowed to get on the plane
dear America: your airport security is sleeping on the jobbb
good thing i wasn't the next shoe bomber! (can you fit a bomb into flip flops?)

BUT HOW WILL HE SEE THE NEXT 9/11 COMING?!?

Paterson sworn in as New York governor

p.s. see also: He is Black, Too

p.p.s. did you catch it?! that see also is also a joke because he cannot see because he is blind. also, he is black. did you know he is black?

BREAKING

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article902014.ece

spending daddy's money!

Excerpts from 1996 Tanglewood Security Log Book:


tanglewood's greatest patrons: the dying

Saturday, June 22
5:30 am
New Jersey Tag Saab 900 Turbo
Four punks gave me a hard time but I put an end to It

Sunday, June 23
12:48 pm
Observed individual pull into Mrs. Kiley’s driveway. A man stepped out of the car and appeared to be urinating on her lawn. We went over and he was identified as Dave Kiley.

Wednesday, June 26
8:00 am
Thad finished his shift and was happy to leave.

Tuesday, July 9
3:25 am
VW Rabbit MA plates. right in front of Beach House humping - asked to leave

Thursday, July 11
8:00 am
Ian arrived at post, prepared for action.

Friday, July 12
3:55 am
Interior round completed.
Note: There are 2 guys with British accents in the room across from Mr. Mooney’s office. They appeared to be doing a BBC radio broadcast, or working for BBC, or something along those lines. Bloody good, okay?


my dead gay son - huge fan of the brits.

Friday, July 19
11:45 pm
Drove a couple out to upper west lot to find their blue minivan. After dropping them off, on the way out, the truck got stuck in the mud. Radioed Ian for assistance, but he was of no help. Eventually got grounds crew (& George) to drag us out - Jason

Jason -
I’m truly sorry that I couldn’t find my superman suit and find enough strength to pull it out myself.
- Ian

2:00 am
Exterior Round 1 complete - spent another 2 hours looking for light switches. WE NEED A LIGHT SWITCH MAP!!

Saturday, July 19
11:00 pm
Was accosted by an old man who did not appreciate that he could not be let out of the lot immediately. He remarked that I didn’t have a brain. I told him I was glad to have my youth. He referred to me as ‘Skipper’ - Jason
Also, Stage Manager was at the beach with his boat. He yelled over to make sure I knew who he was. He may have been inebriated.

Monday, July 22
7:52 am
Observed, what appeared to be a hawk, slowly killing either a rodent or a small bird about 15 ft from the dumpster. Very interesting.

5:38 pm
Man drove his Acura into white parking barrier, scratching his car. He got out and told me the barriers were too small to see. I said “Oh”. He then drove away.

Friday, July 26
2:20 pm
A patron notified me of a quivering bat lying on the lawn. I went + looked at it.
2:32 pm
I went and picked up the bat w/ dust pan and carried it to the woods behind Bathrooms. I then killed the bat with a large rock.


this is a picture of a dead bat, as compared to a pair of pink sunglasses.

Saturday, July 27
7:00 am
Talked to by Dave Sturma regarding walking the grounds looking for change. (At the time I was walking the grounds looking for change) He was very displeased with me, and expressed his emotions. I might not have a job after this, he said. There has been nothing particulary active about this morning. Apparently, grounds crew likes to find change when they’re doing their job of cleaning up after a large concert. I apologized to Mr. Sturma but he said we’re going to have a talk with Mr. Mooney. I am not ever going to look for change again. This was my first and last time. I found $1.82. I was prompted to do this by Thad’s suggestion, who said he found $5.50 last weekend. I was only out there for twenty minutes. I apologize to the rest of security for bringing the good name of Tanglewood security guards down however much I have, & hope Mr. Mooney will understand I was bored.

Sunday, July 28
Noon
Spotted a kid no older than 12 wearing an ‘intercourse university’ tee shirt.

Tuesday, July 30
1:35 am
I am being circled by a skunk. I don’t want to be sprayed here in the tub - or else I will have to sit in one for weeks.

3:30 am
3 cars driving over lawn near Cafe 2. Requested them to turn down loud music. Turned down. Crazy drunks.

3:45 am
Request #2 - stop drum/bongo music

8:00 am
Sean checked out - SOBER!

Monday, August 5
12 noon
car alarm goes off at box office. there are people in the car, but they let it go on for a minute or so. They finally stop it, & then set it off again. It is loud & annoying. I speak with them.

6:50 pm
2 men playing horseshoes next to garage. Claimed to be friends of Ron Garaty + Scott Tennery. Didn’t seem a problem with it. Everything seems to be in good order.

Tuesday, August 13
1:45 pm
Told old man to move his car from the front of the Glass House. wife gets out. He drove over her foot. She can still walk. He can’t drive. Simple as that!

Monday, August 19
1:00 pm
played blackjack with Mr. Mooney

Friday, August 23
3:00 pm
A patron came up to me and asked me about the schedule tomorrow. I told her that there is an open rehearsal in the morning & it should say so in the schedule (she was holding it). She said “OH - how do I find out?” I gently took the schedule and showed her the page.

Saturday, August 24
2:10 am
2 individuals playing trombones on the shed stage with a small audience. I told them to stop. Pete Fitzinger thought it was funny + said it was no big deal. I thought it was because it was extremely loud.

Monday, August 26
4:50 pm
verbally abused Yo Yo Ma for driving on the lawn. He was gracious enough to not have me fired.


hey look it's yo yo ma...in a macintosh ad?? GOD WHAT A SELL-OUT!!!

12:00 am
** In response to the note saying I left Ozawa + Bernstein gate open, I did check + lock Ozawa + ALL exterior gates!!! Maybe it was the stagehand, who now sleeps in Ozawawho left the door unlocked when he left. I have no idea how the gate opened!!!**

* The stage hand who was sleeping in Ozawa is now sleeping in Shed in Pete Fitzinger’s office.

Note: Rehearsal shed near pond, past OCH smells like death and is infested with ants.

Thursday, August 29
1:15 pm
A lady drove her car in from the Lions Gate through to the Main Gate. Baty told her not to drive on the grounds. So she pulled out & around & attempted to drive back through. I yelled at her to stop & she was mad and said ‘Well how are we supposed to get out?’ I alerted her to the fact that 183 is right over there. She didn’t realize that past the parking lot was a road.

Friday, August 30
1:05 pm
Called up the kitchen & asked what they did with their spare meals. He said they throw ‘em out. So, I asked if we could have them. He brought over 3 hamburgers, a hot dog, fries, & 2 doughnuts.

Saturday, August 31
12:55 am
Golf cart came from East Lot & drove through Main Gate. It was the Cafeteria Man. He mumbled something and drove into the grounds.

just the gals!

ham phone on the line

Katherine Katherine Edward Anne Scissorhands:

the best thing about hamphone
is once you find out there is a rotting piece of ham in your phone
like, you know, someone put it there deliberately
there is no getting around it!
and you think "WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS"
there is no way that ham accidentally got in that phone!
and you remember all your douchey times
and you wince
its like judgement day pretty much
its basically the same as the ghost of christmas past visiting you
but with a hamphone (!)


this is why i am proud to share a blog with this person

FUN IN THE SUN: the spring break edition! (too soon?)

...oh...where the?...i...
oh!
oh! hey....susan?
no, it's Sandra, but that's ok, we were pretty...there was....so much tequila
yeah....er...good morning? afternoon? you a friend of Michelle's?
no , we met at "Rico's 24 hr. Tacos"....i could have sworn i had a bra around here somewhere
did we...?
yeah...i don't think that's dried sunscreen on the mirror.
right. well. i should be going....do you want my pho-
...no that's ok. let's just leave it at what it was.
...right.


aaaaaand.....SCENE! oh Tijuana, you're way too bright
for the hungover and less fortunate
doing the walk of shame through pools of vomit on the way back to the cabana
and not even Daddy's platinum AmEx can cure this headache cause it's.....

....SPRING BREAK 2K8!!!! (show yo tits, yall)


good decisions bad decisions, they all just boil down to decisions anyway, right?


picking the right music for your plane ride south of the boarder/pregaming festivities
is the most important part of SPRING BREAK 2K8 (besides condoms. LOTS AND LOTS OF CONDOMS)

today I accidently organized my itunes by song title.
1999 by prince
1979 by the smashing pumpkins
1234 by feist

you can't PAY a party DJ to be this good!
you will become the most popular gal/guy in your sardine-packed hotel room
mad tunes = mad friends = maaadd hookups, y'all!



now go put some SPF 15 balm those lucious DSLs and make like you've never been hurt
cause no one likes an artsy emo girl or boy on SPRING BREAK (show yo tits!)


this girl knows whattssupp!

what to wear (now that the hipsters are dead)

so yesterday on gawker i saw that williamsburg is dying which, let's be honest here, however tongue-in-cheek it may be, broke my heart into tiny, bloody, skinny-jeans-wearing pieces.

and then i did a little research and found that time out new york is apparently on the warpath as well! or at least they were circa may, 2007. so APPARENTLY everyone and their mom is now anti-hipster.

which.. okay. i can take it. but what we need to discuss is, how to fill the gaping wound in america's trendsetting elite? in order to head off this potential power vacuum, i have kindly listed some alternatives below.

don't let the hipsters have died in vain, friends.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Option 1: REDNECKS


if you are like me, when a commercial for "larry the cable guy" comes on t.v. you think, "ew" and maybe, "this is god awful i want to die i want to die i want to DIE." but take a moment to set all those prejudices aside - and pick up some new ones, towards black people and educated folk!

but srsly, check this out:


kinda charming, no?

and that's not all! guns (pro), inbreeding (eh ok), and mullets (it's a PARTY on the back of your head!) all await you.

this one may take more convincing, but unfortunately, i've run out of arguments. country music?


Option 2: NEO-NAZIS


haven't you always wanted to kick the shit out of someone? here's your chance!

neo-nazis may kind of seem like dicks, but that's only because they are. also, they're super popular in today's entertainment world. american history x, anyone? chernowitz? some other book you read in middle school during those four months they taught about the holocaust?

AND: from wikipedia: "neo-nazis rarely use the word 'neo-nazi' to describe themselves."
just like hipsters!


Option 3: SARS EPIDEMIC



hey guys, remember sars? wasn't that the best? we all thought we were gonna die! it was like 9/11, but instead of planes, there were germs and instead of the world trade center, it was china! talk about excitement. even canada got a piece of the limelight, which hasn't happened since...ever?

but here's the thing, everybody: it's still out there. there's no need to give up the panic just yet!

also, this:



not a far cry from this, eh?



just pull that terrorist scarf up over your mouth and call it a day!


Option 4: DOUCHEBAGS



i just really don't think we've given douchebags a fair chance. i mean, yeah, we covered the popped-collar thing and the affinity for keystone light, but don't you think it goes much deeper than that? when's the last time you've stopped a douchebag on the street, looked him in the eye, and said, "hey bro...how are you?" don't fool yourself. the douchebag kingdom is easily as complex as the hipster realm.

try to find out the answers to the following questions.
i think you'll find you learn a little something along the way. (insert: winking emoticon!)
1. in the douchebag world, what/who/how are misshapes?
2. do douchebags cry? if so, why?
3. who do douchebags call douchebags?

!! bonus !!
being a douchebag has enough irony potential to guide you through those tumultous in-between times. hipsters' dying brethren will never suspect you've already left the ranks!


Option 5: EMO BOYS/GIRLS



wait, seriously, take a moment to look at that cat.

aww. look at that sad little cat. it is so endearing.

WELL, GUESS WHAT READERS? that sad little (lol!)cat is the emo boy and/or girl inside all of us. how could we turn on the emo movement so quickly? when did we so cruelly cast aside our charming, formative years to become emo's snide cousin, hipster?

i mean, sure, the whole emo thing gets annoying, what with all the black hair-dye and suicide attempts, but it's really not more than a hop, skip, and (asshole) jump away from our current state of affairs. remember the revival of hippies and bell-bottoms and that woodstock festival where they sold $4 bottles of water and it was a total travesty? well, there's no reason to think emo part II will go as badly!

embrace the middle-school heartache.


Option 6: GAYS



aren't you getting a little tired of finding the love of your life, only to discover he's quote homosexual unquote? not to mention how annoying it is when your TOTALLY GAY friend (i mean like TOTALLY GAY, LIKE THIS GUY CLEARLY LIKES TO HAVE SEX WITH OTHER MALES) introduces you to his "girlfriend"? in this age of freedom & expression, etc. etc. everyone seems to think that they have the right to throw their sexual ambiguousness all over the place (see: EMO BOYS).

well no more! i have the solution and the solution is called:
Let's All Turn Gay!! (TM)


sure, it might be a little awkward at first, but seriously, who among us does not like rainbows? and check out that happy gent above! what a charmer.

plus, we can finally throw all that civil union crap right out the window and focus on the important issues, like that war in that place overseas and do we really want a president who bawls like a little baby.
* * * * * * * * * * * *

CHOOSE WISELY EVERYONE.
CIGS & BLOGS WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU....IN THE FUTURE.