what to wear (now that the hipsters are dead)

so yesterday on gawker i saw that williamsburg is dying which, let's be honest here, however tongue-in-cheek it may be, broke my heart into tiny, bloody, skinny-jeans-wearing pieces.

and then i did a little research and found that time out new york is apparently on the warpath as well! or at least they were circa may, 2007. so APPARENTLY everyone and their mom is now anti-hipster.

which.. okay. i can take it. but what we need to discuss is, how to fill the gaping wound in america's trendsetting elite? in order to head off this potential power vacuum, i have kindly listed some alternatives below.

don't let the hipsters have died in vain, friends.

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Option 1: REDNECKS


if you are like me, when a commercial for "larry the cable guy" comes on t.v. you think, "ew" and maybe, "this is god awful i want to die i want to die i want to DIE." but take a moment to set all those prejudices aside - and pick up some new ones, towards black people and educated folk!

but srsly, check this out:


kinda charming, no?

and that's not all! guns (pro), inbreeding (eh ok), and mullets (it's a PARTY on the back of your head!) all await you.

this one may take more convincing, but unfortunately, i've run out of arguments. country music?


Option 2: NEO-NAZIS


haven't you always wanted to kick the shit out of someone? here's your chance!

neo-nazis may kind of seem like dicks, but that's only because they are. also, they're super popular in today's entertainment world. american history x, anyone? chernowitz? some other book you read in middle school during those four months they taught about the holocaust?

AND: from wikipedia: "neo-nazis rarely use the word 'neo-nazi' to describe themselves."
just like hipsters!


Option 3: SARS EPIDEMIC



hey guys, remember sars? wasn't that the best? we all thought we were gonna die! it was like 9/11, but instead of planes, there were germs and instead of the world trade center, it was china! talk about excitement. even canada got a piece of the limelight, which hasn't happened since...ever?

but here's the thing, everybody: it's still out there. there's no need to give up the panic just yet!

also, this:



not a far cry from this, eh?



just pull that terrorist scarf up over your mouth and call it a day!


Option 4: DOUCHEBAGS



i just really don't think we've given douchebags a fair chance. i mean, yeah, we covered the popped-collar thing and the affinity for keystone light, but don't you think it goes much deeper than that? when's the last time you've stopped a douchebag on the street, looked him in the eye, and said, "hey bro...how are you?" don't fool yourself. the douchebag kingdom is easily as complex as the hipster realm.

try to find out the answers to the following questions.
i think you'll find you learn a little something along the way. (insert: winking emoticon!)
1. in the douchebag world, what/who/how are misshapes?
2. do douchebags cry? if so, why?
3. who do douchebags call douchebags?

!! bonus !!
being a douchebag has enough irony potential to guide you through those tumultous in-between times. hipsters' dying brethren will never suspect you've already left the ranks!


Option 5: EMO BOYS/GIRLS



wait, seriously, take a moment to look at that cat.

aww. look at that sad little cat. it is so endearing.

WELL, GUESS WHAT READERS? that sad little (lol!)cat is the emo boy and/or girl inside all of us. how could we turn on the emo movement so quickly? when did we so cruelly cast aside our charming, formative years to become emo's snide cousin, hipster?

i mean, sure, the whole emo thing gets annoying, what with all the black hair-dye and suicide attempts, but it's really not more than a hop, skip, and (asshole) jump away from our current state of affairs. remember the revival of hippies and bell-bottoms and that woodstock festival where they sold $4 bottles of water and it was a total travesty? well, there's no reason to think emo part II will go as badly!

embrace the middle-school heartache.


Option 6: GAYS



aren't you getting a little tired of finding the love of your life, only to discover he's quote homosexual unquote? not to mention how annoying it is when your TOTALLY GAY friend (i mean like TOTALLY GAY, LIKE THIS GUY CLEARLY LIKES TO HAVE SEX WITH OTHER MALES) introduces you to his "girlfriend"? in this age of freedom & expression, etc. etc. everyone seems to think that they have the right to throw their sexual ambiguousness all over the place (see: EMO BOYS).

well no more! i have the solution and the solution is called:
Let's All Turn Gay!! (TM)


sure, it might be a little awkward at first, but seriously, who among us does not like rainbows? and check out that happy gent above! what a charmer.

plus, we can finally throw all that civil union crap right out the window and focus on the important issues, like that war in that place overseas and do we really want a president who bawls like a little baby.
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CHOOSE WISELY EVERYONE.
CIGS & BLOGS WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU....IN THE FUTURE.