The Thirst For Affection: A Groundbreaking Novella By My Dead Gay Son

oh hey, blogger, long time no see, how's your weekend going?

oh, me? i'm okay, just super-stressed, things have been craaazy lately.

oh you know, it's just this corporate life style. it's 24/7 all the time! 31/365! eleven billion/93! you wouldn't understand, you're a computer.

you really want to know? fine, i'll tell you but don't freak out and overload your circuits or something. it's a lot to take in.



i own that pantsuit. and that regular suit. and that water cooler. (i am rich).


this is the story of the vending machine at my work. this vending machine was in fact, one of the big draws about working here. the soda only cost a dollar! i mean, how quaint! like a penny candy store, but times a hundred.

but recently there have been some terrible, terrible changes.

first off, there is a new option to purchase coke zero, which is funny because if you opt for a diet coke now, you're basically a fattie.

but the far more pressing matter is that soda prices have now gone up to $1.50!!

$1.50, people. that's a 50% increase! out of the clear blue sky!
THIS IS HIGHWAY ROBBERY.

naturally, this was a big upset. for about three days, it was the basis of almost every conversation.

example:
"did you see that the watermill group canceled on us?"

"yeah. now we're never going to be able to afford that soda."

but! on thursday, the clouds broke. manna fell from the skies and angels sung in the heavens! the office was abuzz with rumors that we were getting . . . A New Soda Machine.

beth's eyes flashed with excitement. "it's going to have a clear front, and we're getting a whole bunch of new drinks too! they're going to put in juice and red bull and . . ."

imagine. imagine my being able to walk to the break room and purchase a red bull right there. it's conceivable that i may never fall asleep at work again!

but the best news was yet to come . . .
"and we talked to lew, because it was only supposed to be the other machines at the resort that got raised to $1.50, the employee machines were supposed to stay the same."

oh, happy day!

all thursday morning, the office had a happy, expectant air. from the hall you could hear people joyfully calling their friends and family - "i know, can you believe it? i'm so excited!"*

[*note: this is just about entirely made up]



here is a possible example of what our AMAZING VENDING MACHINE FROM THE FUTURE could look like.


at lunchtime the maintenance workers removed the front door from its hinges so the capable all-knowing hands of the coca cola company (or the vending machine distributor? i'm not quite sure how this works.) could bring our new baby home.

it was about twenty minutes later when a sorrowful silence swept over the office. the machine "did not fit." it was "impossible" to get it around the corner of the front door.

i'm not too proud to admit that i, too, wept with the others.



hold me.


as a poor man's consolation, the coca cola men added 'powerade: mountain blast!" to the machine. but in doing this, they took away the possibility of dr. pepper. and so shabby was this back-up plan, that there is no awesome KICKASS picture of the powerade in question. no, it's simply a poorly-crafted handmade sign written in black marker, the 'BLAST' falling in a gentle diagonal, in what i can only assume they considered to be "innovative advertising". mountain blast? MORE LIKE SLAP IN THE FUCKING FACE, VENDING MACHINE MAN.

i tried to keep my chin up, to be a trooper. i was even rewarded, somewhat, as the first time i pushed the powerade button, i got not one, but two, shots of mountain blast!



google image search result for 'mountain blast'. i can't for the life of me understand why they don't have any larger photographs in stock.


but - and i don't think i'm alone in saying this - who wants two things of powerade? i didn't even want the one. and then today, like a fool, like a really cheap fool who loves getting stuff for free, i again pressed the powerade button, thinking, "hey, if it gave me two before, what's to stop it from doing it again?" [this is the same logic i apply to criminals and delinquents. THEY WILL STEAL AND RAPE AND PILLAGE AGAIN. VOTE YES ON THE DEATH PENALTY!].



another, arguably better google image search result for 'mountain blast'.


and what did that dear, sweet, bastard of a machine say to me in those fluroescent letters that run across the screen so slowly, you'd think a dog would be able to learn to read in the amount of time it takes for a full phrase to appear?


SOLD OUT.



bastards.



oh also if you were wondering if the soda machine takes sacagewas, the answer is no so don't even bother wasting your time.